It's a natural feeling. You will get irritated. You will get annoyed. The question is how do you deal with it when it happens. Do you roll your eyes, speak your mind or become repulsed by the behaviors? Maybe you indulge in one or all three? Whatever the case, there is one outcome that I think has been universally the trend in many relationships when you do exhibit those behaviors, across genders, IT CHANGES NOTHING! Not one DAYUM THING! So, how do we coexist with one another during these situations? I was reading Parents Magazine and Psychologist Daphne de Marneffe shared four ways to combat those feelings. She suggested, pick your battles, remember that certain situations are inherently stressful, consider any underlying psychological issues and practice not letting it get to you. I must say, she couldn’t be anymore accurate. Cohabitating with another adult comes with a lot. I am no psychologist or any clinical professional, however, I have some girlfriend/mom friend advice.
1. ASK YOURSELF - a. Why does this bother me? b. What is it about the behavior or habit that bothers me . c. how do these behaviors impede me or what I am doing? Sometimes there are situations where we are irritated by things we could easily walk away from or easily dismiss; like the way the dishwasher is loaded. IF the behavior or action does impeded you or what you are trying to accomplish, it's time to take action.
2. MAKE A DECISION - depending on the severity, this can go in many different directions. Scheduling an appointment for a therapist can be one, maybe a conversation could be another or perhaps something else, It's the inevitable, the decision has to be made. Nevertheless, it's important that you make a decision on what you feel need to be done about the situation because it impedes you. The reality is, marriage is a partnership and not a dictatorship. We are together to learn, love and level - up together so, this means we have to do work...with work comes making decisions.
3. EXECUTION - no don’t kill the man girl! It's time to execute the decision that was made. This could be sharing with your partner what they have done and how it impacts you or make you feel, it could be sharing with them your decision to schedule an appointment to seek professional help or perhaps a shift in your mindset, sky's the limit here I guess, but it's detrimental to the relationship that this is where you COMMUNICATE the situation.
4. TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS - sometimes. I know you want to pop off girl! I KNOW ITTTT (I am you!). However, being kind can change the flow of the conversation. It can re-adjust attitudes that were present leading into the conversation. TRY NOT to pop off! Things are already rough, alleviate the tension that is already present.
5. COUNT THE COST - not of the therapist, but of the situation. This is basically, picking your battles. Consider, those things that irritate you and ask yourself, is it REALLY that serious. In some cases the answer is HELL YEAH and in others its like...not really, but I don’t like it. IF the last one is you, you should be vocal about it and share those sentiments with your partner.
6. LOOK IN THE MIRROR - reflect on your own actions. Think about your habits and behaviors and how you could improve. No, this is not making it about you BUT when you are rolling with the big dogs (marriage), it's time to do the work and play like a big dog. Consider how some of your actions could be considered irritations. We want to be told right?! Remember, just as easily as we are irritated believe me, they have been waiting to unleash the beast on you. It's part of the process. Get ready...things can easily slide the slippery slope of pettyville.
In all fairness, marriage is NOT easy but It DOESN’T have to be stressful all the time either. Sure, situations will come up that will alter your outlook however, marriage is a partnership as with any relationship; It has to be nourished, there must be sunlight or the love affair will shrivel up and die. Communicating with your partner is the best thing you can do for YOURSELF. YES YOU! When you hold it all in, you become stressed and then you know...it can spiral out of control from there. Anxiety, Depression, Infidelity, High blood pressure, Heart palpitations, Divorce, you catch my drift. These are just some things to think about as you are processing your feelings. I hope this sisterly advice can be a guide.
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